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Wednesday, October 4, 2023

Charlize Theron and the Best Movie Never Made

The Monitor is a weekly column devoted to everything happening in the WIRED world of culture, from movies to memes, TV to Twitter.


The best news from a blonde woman in the entertainment industry this week did not come from Taylor Swift; it came from Charlize Theron. Not to wave off the fact that Swift dropped her ninth studio album—and second since the Covid-19 pandemic started—at midnight Eastern last night. That’s all wonderful. But even Swift’s continued prolificness couldn’t top Charlize Theron popping into the TL to say that she’d be more than willing to make a perfect-sounding film that no one has even written, let alone taken to a studio to get green-lit.

It all started on Saturday when a Twitter user with the handle @f_osis posted a seemingly innocent tweet with a brilliant idea: “Lesbian Christmas rom coms are all well and good but what I REALLY want is a Die Hard where Charlize Theron goes on a rampage to save her wife.” What started as a thinly-veiled jab at Happiest Season soon snowballed into a wing-and-a-prayer production pipeline. Why? Because two days later, Theron retweeted the message and simply added “Where do I sign [?]”

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To say that Lesbian Die Hard is the best idea anyone, let alone Queer Twitter, has heard in a long time is an understatement. With Theron at the helm, it’s basically a hybrid sequel to both Atomic Blonde and The Old Guard, and who doesn’t want sequels to both of those films? Wynonna Earp showrunner Emily Andras said she’d be involved. Is Ava DuVernay available to direct? Perhaps Patty Jenkins? The latter has already said she wants to make a comedy with Theron, why not this? Come on, Hollywood, this fruit is so low hanging it’s practically already in your hand. Write the damn check.

Of course, this still begs one question: Holy shit, who gets to play her wife? People in Theron’s mentions offered up everyone from Cate Blanchett to Emily Blunt as potential partner material. New Girl star Hannah Simone offered her services. The most compelling answer, though, came from Aisha Tyler, who didn’t specifically offer herself of for the wife role, but did say “Where do I cosign[?]” So we’re going to say that means she would be amenable to playing Theron’s wife.

As for the script, writer (and occasional WIRED contributor) Jill Gutowitz offered a story treatment that involved “Charlize and Tessa Thompson stranded on neighboring islands sobbing,” which is a good start. But really, this movie writes itself. Theron is upset because her wife is at a holiday party that’s also attended by her spouse’s ex (the holidays, amirite?) and when she goes to the party and attempts to play it cool, the hostage situation begins. I don’t know what the hostage-takers want and it probably doesn’t matter. Theron, ex-military, just needs to go full-on ballistic to save the love of her life. She does. They retreat to that beach everyone goes to in the finale of Furious 7. The end.

Yes, this is all a lot of big dreams, but come on. The only thing people can do right now is dream. And frankly, this movie might be the one thing powerful enough, and popular enough, to crash Netflix’s servers. It deserves its chance to try. In the meantime, though, I guess we have evermore.

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